You're Free.

She's gone. She's really gone. I am...in shock. I mean they say a person goes through the 5 stages of death. I'm quite literally stuck in the "Denial" stage. I talked to her only a few days ago. The woman lived with us for 4 fucking years. I can not get over the fact that I'll never talk to her again. I went into her house yesterday, right after they pulled the plug on her. And  there on the fridge was a picture of a robot I drew for her with a heart saying, "I love you, Grandma Tutu." (Tutu means Grandma in Hawaii, everyone in my family is from Hawaii except me.) And at the bottom of the picture she wrote "Back at you Granddaughter" I also added "Get well<3" a few weeks ago. And right then and there I fell to the ground and started crying. She never did get better. I walked over to her futon and laid on it, just looking around her room. Papers were scattered across the tabled. Medicine bottles were in every single drawer. And it made me realize how much pain she was in. When she almost died in 2009, she was only suppose to live for 6 more months. She proved the doctors wrong and lived 2 1/2 more years. I can't imagine how scared she was. Knowing that every day could be your last. But all her pain is done now. She is free. And like I said in the post before this, I do NOT under any circumstances believe in God. But in this situation....I hope my grandma is somewhere. I'm not so much saying heaven, but somewhere safe. Hopefully she can finally breathe. Laugh. Be happy. And hopefully she's with her mom. God, I can't believe she is gone. My mom is sitting at the counter crying her eyes out trying to write what to say at her funeral. Fuck, ow am I gonna make it through a funeral? Seeing relatives who hated my grandma is going to suck. I don't care if I hurt anybody's feeling. If I need to beat the shit out of a granny for hating my grandma, I fucking will. Oh and you wanna know the main reason why my grandma died? Her caretaker Chad came up from Oregon and was smoking around her. Literally, the day he left, she went to the hospital. Fucking asshole! It's his fucking fault she's gone forever. All I want...is my grandma back. Well that's all I can say for now. I love you, Grandma.

You Can Let Go...

FUCK! I never really understood why people would be so upset when a loved one passes. I mean in the movies  they cry for a little bit, and get on with their lives. No. That sure as fuck isn't happening in my case. Okay well my grandmother Kathy has COPD and Emphysema. She has almost died three times in the past year. You wanna know why boy and girls? Smoking. She was too stingy to realize that every single time she sucked down a cancer stick...it was killing her a little bit more. I mean the woman is only 70 years old. She could have easily lived 20 more years like her mother before her did. Oh and on top of that, she is a hardcore alcoholic. Plenty of those in our family. But last night tipped me over the edge. We got a call around midnight that my grandma was found in her hospital bed unresponsive. I mean was she trying to get the nurses attention? Did she suffer in the room choking down her screams because she was too weak? Just typing it out makes me want to punch a fucking Puerto Rican woman! So me and my mother rushed to Bremerton. I felt terrible because my mom had taken a sleeping pill and there were times she would swerve off the road and I'd grab the wheel and scream "Mom!" But eventually we got there. You probably don't know by now but I'm deathly afraid of hospital, and to go in the ICU...it's so much worse. We went in the waiting room. I didn't even know if she was still fucking alive. Nobody would talk to us. And as I sat there looking at all the poor people being wheeled by looking half dead themselves, I thought to myself "Why haven't I told her I loved her?" I never appreciated her. She was the only person in my entire fucking family who didn't judge me for being gay. Hell, she fucking encouraged it. She always told me when and Oprah special was on for gay kids. and I love her for that. It's hard to think I'll never see her in our house again, never see her walk again, fuck I'm never gonna see her again. And you wanna know the last thing she said to me? "Ashli, I love you so much, have fun with your friends, Happy Birthday Sweetheart." That was yesterday. I just broke down writing that. I  don't believe in God..but I'd rather let my grandma go on to a better place then the shit hole she's in now. And my mom even said "I don't wanna let my mommy go, but if she gets tired...she can let go.." God, I can't fucking stop crying. I need to go. And finally in the words of my Grandma, "Aloha au iā ‘oe." I love you.

Once a Stalker, Always a Rapist.

Okay so I went into town with my three friends Jess, Lauren and Ashlyn along with Jess's sister Megan. Everything was fine until we went down to the marina. There was some concert and out of the corner of my eye, I see my stalker from this year who I managed to avoid for the past several months. His name is Colton Weeks and honestly...I'm deathly afraid of this guy. He's almost 19 and a major creep. Like tries to fuck little girls creep. Anyways, I could feel him staring at me so me and Jess booked it up the stairs and through the crowded street. I quite literally almost took out an old woman, trying to run for my life. We some how ended up in a dirt parking lot and we even met up with the other girls. As we were catching our breath, I hear a honk and I don't even need to turn around to know it's him. I turn around with every intention of running for my life. And that's exactly what I did. I even almost started to cry and hyperventilate behind AMPM because I was so damn scared. We lost him though. Thank god. But today we went into town again, and don't get me wrong we were all on the lookout for him. But soon after Lauren left, we were all just sitting at the tables at IGA, enjoying the summer. When all of a sudden Ash and Jess get two identical texts from an unknown number saying "I saw you...again!" Then I looked at my phone and realized...it was him. I literally sprung out of my chair and yelled "It's him!!" I ran in the store with Jess and hid in the bathroom while Megan and Ash patrolled the parking lot. We had reason to believe he was following us and might still even be there. Waiting. We started to walk out of the store when my jaw dropped. He was parked right in front of the store doors. Waiting for us. But he didn't see us and I didn't have to think. We ran as fast as we possibly could. Never had I been this scared in my life of a person. Never. So, as badass as Ashlyn is, she took her phone and decided to end this little game of his. She bitched him out. Finally. I feel completely free. I no longer feel like I'm being hunted in a game of cat and mouse. Oh and we did a seance at Ashlyn's house. Let's just say...shit. went. down.

Burn Him Like A Jew.

Okay, so recently my friends have decided to come out with their pasts. About what happened to them during their childhood. I thought it was a great idea. Now granted, I wrote this awhile back but never really had the courage to post it or even really talk about it. So here you go..here is the real truth.

First off, this is just something that pissed me the fuck off.

So just to get it out there, I'm Lesbian. Everybody knows, my friends, my family, a few teachers, everybody. Well during my brothers birthday dinner a few weeks back, we were all having a good time. I even invited my friend Stephanie. On the way home in the car, Stephanie commented on how cute she thought a girl was and I simply agreed with her. That's it. But my brother Von just had to butt in and say in a disgusted voice, "So are you still dating girls?" "Yes I am", I replied. Then he basically attacked me, "Well you need to get outta that fucking phase and date some guys, also grow your hair color out, it's disgusting.", he spit with pure hatred. I was shocked and motionless. All I could say was, "Von, it's not a phase if I've been this way since I was a little kid, and I like the way I look..." My eyes immediately started to tear up, thank god I had Stephanie in the car. She reached over my lap and punched him extremely hard in the chest and called him a "Dick." That's when I just started crying my eyes out. I was embarrassed and hurt. The worst thing was, my mom didn't say anything, not a god damn word. So let me give you some background information(this is where I talk about my past.) Ever since I could remember, my brother would beat the living shit out of me, not because I did something wrong, but out of pure pleasure and hatred. He even use to invite our neighbor at the time, Colin. He was disgusting looking. He had a curly Mohawk and brown teeth that he would bare every time he looked down on you. God, I still have nightmares of him. How they use to team up by trying to suffocate me or choke me with a plastic bag or a comforter from my moms bed. The worst by far is when they locked me in the bathroom, I was only 3 or 4 at the time and deathly afraid of the dark. When they finally opened the door, I ran as fast as I could but they caught me. They threw me hard on the ground and took turns hitting me in the chest and kicking me in the stomach. I always tried telling my mom what they did to me, but how could a 4 year old tell and adult that? But when I got older, Von's beatings progressed. When I was in 4th, I was in an accelerated reading group on Wednesdays. I was in a portable with 4 or 6 other kids. We had a very old reading teacher and for the life of me I can't remember her name. Anyways, she started to notice all the bruises on me, and how I'd come to school with faded black eyes or fat lips. She then pulled me aside one day and I told her everything. I confided in her every time my brother hit me. Then one day, as we were reading a book out loud, she stopped and told the entire group what I told her. I started crying. I trusted the old bitch and she ran her mouth. She also did something that I was unaware of. She called my mom, told my counselor and told members of the school board. They had a large meeting about what my older brother had done to me. I didn't even know that happened until this year when my mom told me. My teacher at the time, Ms. Armentrout I think, asked me if my brother had ever 'touched' me. I was fucking furious. He didn't touch me, but he showed me his..... yeah. But still my mom never seemed to do anything about it. Oh and I have a visible scar on my forehead that is about 2 1/2 inches long I've always told people that I was playing with my brother one night and I 'fell' into the door frame. No. I remember so clearly. My brother grabbed me by the hair and shoved me into the door frame ad cracked my skull. Fucking prick. Now I have a life long scar that I have to lie about to everybody. He hasn't layed a finger on me since 7th grade. Last time was when I was 11. I was running from him and he jumped off the back of the couch and stomped on my head. I guess he thought I was dead because he immediately started to apologize for what he'd just done. We don't really talk anymore but he lives with us again. He knows what he's done to me. I can tell he's sorry, but I'll never forgive him for that. Maybe that's why I'm gay. Men have emotionally scarred me all my life. Fuck this is long. Sorry I didn't tell you guys this sooner. Oh and thanks Jess for making me feel like it's okay to let things out.
-Ashli

Distinguished Beginnings

Plain was the same. As it ever was the same.
Plainly Plain...
Samely Same...
But then...someone lit the flame. Plain rode away on lion's mane.
Where plain met fruits with strangely names. Such wonderful
things they did contain. A shot of life to a hungry vein.
The captive beast who broke the chain.
And there upon that fruited plane, is where plain became what plain became.
So much more than more than plain.
Plain...will never be the same.

Just thought I'd start off my first post with my all time favorite fucking poem. So where should I start? Well my name is Ashli O'Brien, and i have three amazing people who I love with all my heart, and that is Jessica Yarbrough, Lauren Reems, and Ashlyn DuMond. We have done some awesome shit together(:
But anyways, I hope to make some new posts soon. Oh and my friend Jessica uses her blog for when she wants to let shit out, and I thought that was a great idea. So, sorry if any of my posts sound fucked up.

-Ashli