You're Free.

She's gone. She's really gone. I am...in shock. I mean they say a person goes through the 5 stages of death. I'm quite literally stuck in the "Denial" stage. I talked to her only a few days ago. The woman lived with us for 4 fucking years. I can not get over the fact that I'll never talk to her again. I went into her house yesterday, right after they pulled the plug on her. And  there on the fridge was a picture of a robot I drew for her with a heart saying, "I love you, Grandma Tutu." (Tutu means Grandma in Hawaii, everyone in my family is from Hawaii except me.) And at the bottom of the picture she wrote "Back at you Granddaughter" I also added "Get well<3" a few weeks ago. And right then and there I fell to the ground and started crying. She never did get better. I walked over to her futon and laid on it, just looking around her room. Papers were scattered across the tabled. Medicine bottles were in every single drawer. And it made me realize how much pain she was in. When she almost died in 2009, she was only suppose to live for 6 more months. She proved the doctors wrong and lived 2 1/2 more years. I can't imagine how scared she was. Knowing that every day could be your last. But all her pain is done now. She is free. And like I said in the post before this, I do NOT under any circumstances believe in God. But in this situation....I hope my grandma is somewhere. I'm not so much saying heaven, but somewhere safe. Hopefully she can finally breathe. Laugh. Be happy. And hopefully she's with her mom. God, I can't believe she is gone. My mom is sitting at the counter crying her eyes out trying to write what to say at her funeral. Fuck, ow am I gonna make it through a funeral? Seeing relatives who hated my grandma is going to suck. I don't care if I hurt anybody's feeling. If I need to beat the shit out of a granny for hating my grandma, I fucking will. Oh and you wanna know the main reason why my grandma died? Her caretaker Chad came up from Oregon and was smoking around her. Literally, the day he left, she went to the hospital. Fucking asshole! It's his fucking fault she's gone forever. All I want...is my grandma back. Well that's all I can say for now. I love you, Grandma.