You're Free.

She's gone. She's really gone. I am...in shock. I mean they say a person goes through the 5 stages of death. I'm quite literally stuck in the "Denial" stage. I talked to her only a few days ago. The woman lived with us for 4 fucking years. I can not get over the fact that I'll never talk to her again. I went into her house yesterday, right after they pulled the plug on her. And  there on the fridge was a picture of a robot I drew for her with a heart saying, "I love you, Grandma Tutu." (Tutu means Grandma in Hawaii, everyone in my family is from Hawaii except me.) And at the bottom of the picture she wrote "Back at you Granddaughter" I also added "Get well<3" a few weeks ago. And right then and there I fell to the ground and started crying. She never did get better. I walked over to her futon and laid on it, just looking around her room. Papers were scattered across the tabled. Medicine bottles were in every single drawer. And it made me realize how much pain she was in. When she almost died in 2009, she was only suppose to live for 6 more months. She proved the doctors wrong and lived 2 1/2 more years. I can't imagine how scared she was. Knowing that every day could be your last. But all her pain is done now. She is free. And like I said in the post before this, I do NOT under any circumstances believe in God. But in this situation....I hope my grandma is somewhere. I'm not so much saying heaven, but somewhere safe. Hopefully she can finally breathe. Laugh. Be happy. And hopefully she's with her mom. God, I can't believe she is gone. My mom is sitting at the counter crying her eyes out trying to write what to say at her funeral. Fuck, ow am I gonna make it through a funeral? Seeing relatives who hated my grandma is going to suck. I don't care if I hurt anybody's feeling. If I need to beat the shit out of a granny for hating my grandma, I fucking will. Oh and you wanna know the main reason why my grandma died? Her caretaker Chad came up from Oregon and was smoking around her. Literally, the day he left, she went to the hospital. Fucking asshole! It's his fucking fault she's gone forever. All I want...is my grandma back. Well that's all I can say for now. I love you, Grandma.

You Can Let Go...

FUCK! I never really understood why people would be so upset when a loved one passes. I mean in the movies  they cry for a little bit, and get on with their lives. No. That sure as fuck isn't happening in my case. Okay well my grandmother Kathy has COPD and Emphysema. She has almost died three times in the past year. You wanna know why boy and girls? Smoking. She was too stingy to realize that every single time she sucked down a cancer stick...it was killing her a little bit more. I mean the woman is only 70 years old. She could have easily lived 20 more years like her mother before her did. Oh and on top of that, she is a hardcore alcoholic. Plenty of those in our family. But last night tipped me over the edge. We got a call around midnight that my grandma was found in her hospital bed unresponsive. I mean was she trying to get the nurses attention? Did she suffer in the room choking down her screams because she was too weak? Just typing it out makes me want to punch a fucking Puerto Rican woman! So me and my mother rushed to Bremerton. I felt terrible because my mom had taken a sleeping pill and there were times she would swerve off the road and I'd grab the wheel and scream "Mom!" But eventually we got there. You probably don't know by now but I'm deathly afraid of hospital, and to go in the ICU...it's so much worse. We went in the waiting room. I didn't even know if she was still fucking alive. Nobody would talk to us. And as I sat there looking at all the poor people being wheeled by looking half dead themselves, I thought to myself "Why haven't I told her I loved her?" I never appreciated her. She was the only person in my entire fucking family who didn't judge me for being gay. Hell, she fucking encouraged it. She always told me when and Oprah special was on for gay kids. and I love her for that. It's hard to think I'll never see her in our house again, never see her walk again, fuck I'm never gonna see her again. And you wanna know the last thing she said to me? "Ashli, I love you so much, have fun with your friends, Happy Birthday Sweetheart." That was yesterday. I just broke down writing that. I  don't believe in God..but I'd rather let my grandma go on to a better place then the shit hole she's in now. And my mom even said "I don't wanna let my mommy go, but if she gets tired...she can let go.." God, I can't fucking stop crying. I need to go. And finally in the words of my Grandma, "Aloha au iā ‘oe." I love you.